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President Obama Calls for Emergency Press Conference to Address Chem-Trails

President Obama Calls for Emergency Press Conference to Address Chem-Trails

by Hatrick ‘Hattie’ Penry

August 15th, 2015

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In an emergency press conference Friday morning, President Obama addressed the nation on the subject of Chem-Trails: a term that refers to the aerial spraying of nano-particulates in an effort to modify the climate or change weather patterns. In recent months public outcry over the ongoing climate modification campaign over U.S. skies has reached a feverish pitch with protesters taking it to the streets in a nationwide protest involving millions.

Unable to avoid the subject of intentional climate modification any longer, President Obama called for an emergency press conference in an effort to calm the American public.

“Now folks I didn’t call this press conference to blow smoke up you’re you-know-what because that’s just not my style” the President said Friday, “so let me be perfectly clear: yes, Chem-Trails are real. And it might be true that up until today they represented a significant health hazard to the American public, but I want you to know that I’ve issued a new Presidential Directive that will keep the public safe, healthy and put their fears to rest. I’ve issued PPD-666, a directive that mandates Chem-Trails be enriched with 12 essential vitamins and nutrients. Vitamins and nutrients that your body needs anyway. And from here on I’d appreciate it if eveyone referred to them as ‘vita-trails’ because that’s what they are. Those of you concerned with vitamin D deficiency due to ‘global dimming’ need not be, vitamin D is in fact one of the many vitamins we’ll be spraying you with, so please, rest easy knowing you’re going to be healthier than you’ve ever been! Now I’d like to let my homegirl Gina McCarthy have the mic for a minute to elaborate on the new plan, thank you.”

The head of the EPA took only a brief moment to detail the new directive:

“I just want Americans to know that these ‘vita-trails’ are a wicked cool deal, ok? And because they’re a wicked cool deal there’s really no need to question or examine the details of this deal. Again, it’s not just a deal. And it’s more than a cool deal. It’s actually a wicked cool deal. And that’s why the American public likes it. Thank you.”

It was not immediately clear if the announcement of President Obama’s new directive had its desired effect of placating the American public but Democrats in Washington were already hailing it as yet another of the President’s many successes while in office.

 

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