F5 Tornado Slams Fort Knox; Rooftop Hole Reveals Empty Shelves, Missing Gold

F5 Tornado Slams Fort Knox; Rooftop Hole Reveals Empty Shelves, Missing Gold

By Hatrick Penry



A category F5 tornado struck a direct blow to the Ft. Knox gold reserve yesterday, peeling back the roof of the famous gold vault and revealing row upon row of empty shelves and bare floors to a WRON helicopter camera crew as it surveyed damage just hours after the storms passing. Video footage of the roofless vault and missing gold has ‘gone viral’ on the internet and sparked public outrage across much of the country: many Americans are calling foul-play.

In an emergency press conference Saturday night at the White House, officials called for calm heads to prevail as a host of specialists were brought in to explain the missing gold. Most notable of these experts was former Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld; now famous for his ongoing 10 year quest to find and return the 2.3 trillion dollars lost by the Pentagon back in September of 2001.

Rumsfeld, the first to speak at the hour-long press conference, explained his presence and what he thought had happened to the nation’s strategic gold reserve:

“They call me in when Americans are yelling all Henny-Penny-like ‘the sky is falling, the sky is falling!’ or in this case ‘the gold is missing, the gold is missing!’ Ok? So, I’m here to help explain to these same Americans where a few bars of gold have gotten off to in a thunderstorm. First, you’ve got to understand there are known ‘knowns’, in other words, things we know that we know about. We know about tornados and gold bars and trucks being carried aloft in high winds, right? Are you following me?

 Now, there are known ‘unknowns’, things we know we don’t know about, like anti-gravity saucer craft and tractor beams and protective atmospheres on other planets made of gold particles-and the aliens commissioned to go get that gold-are you following me still? Ok, then there are unknown ‘unknowns’, and obviously I’m unable to tell you what that would have been that made the gold disappear…because by its very nature it is unknown.

 Now, the good news in all this is that after speaking at length with NOAA and other meteorological experts, I am convinced that if a semi-truck can be carried off by one of these tornado-things, then a bar of gold can be too! And I am here today to tell you ladies and gentlemen, that I will not stop until I find and return ALL of the missing gold even if that tornado carried it all the way to China!” 

As a security team hurriedly pulled Rumsfeld off-stage for unknown reasons, the President was quick to step in:

“Now let me be perfectly clear,” said President Obama,” all of the gold from Fort Knox is NOT in China, I repeat the missing gold from Fort Knox is NOT in China. Ok? That’s just crazy… it’s a crazy idea, let me put it this way, we send them more tungsten than gold these days, if you know what I mean.”

When asked by Jake Tapper of ABC News what he thought had happened to the nations gold reserve, the President responded:

 “Well Jake, I don’t want to leap to conclusions, you know that this investigation is an ongoing process, but I will say this…I promise, if re-elected for a 3rd term, to make it a personal project of mine to get that gold back and that’s a promise you can take to the ba…that’s a promise you can count on!”

At Obama’s request, Timothy Geithner was also present and spoke in an effort to reassure skeptical Americans and investors everywhere that business will not be affected in any way:

“It doesn’t matter to me if the gold is being hidden at the Nazi moon base, I mean ‘a’ Nazi moon base…’a’ Nazi moon base, yeah, because I can make Publishers Clearing House look like an Egyptian scribe with a quill pen, comprende? You just give ‘ole Timmy a dollar figure of what was lost, heck take that figure and DOUBLE IT, and I’ll print it up and have delivered to Fort Knox in time for Corn Flakes in the morning!”

Within 24 hours after the passing of the F5 tornado, the Army Corps had covered the rooftop opening of the vault with a series of giant tarps to ‘keep further water damage from occurring’, and a ‘no-fly-zone’ had been established over Hardin County, Kentucky.

About hatrick penry

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Posted on August 10, 2012, in Satire and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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